I knew this would be difficult and people keep asking me if I really want him to go to the new family. I don't. I wish things were different. But they aren't. And that is okay. It isn't easy but it is okay. In my heart, I know this is right. I often tell my clients, "just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's the wrong decision". I believe that sometimes the best choices are the most difficult.
I recently read something by Corrie Ten Boom, a survivor of the Holocaust. Ten Boom said that when she was a child she asked her father how she would ever do what God had for her to do. Her father's response was, “When you go to travel, when do I give you the train tickets or the money for it, three weeks before?” She said “No daddy, the day that I go to travel.” And her father said “That is what God does. You don’t need to be...have the power to be... But the moment that you have to the Lord will give you everything.”
I am smiling through my tears because I know that this child was with me for this time for a reason. I was able to love him, feed him and cuddle him at a time that he needed someone. He taught me that I do have the patience, endurance and love to be a mom. He also taught me that there is so much more important than career success. I will forever value my relationships with my family and friends to a greater extent because of what this child has taught me.
There was a time that I struggled with worry about the life he will have if he isn't with me. I am so thankful that because of my faith, I can know that God has a plan for him that is better than anything I can ever imagine. I'm not saying that I don't wonder or even start to fret but the bottom line is that God knew him before I did and made him resilient enough to rebound from his difficult start in life. He alone helped him route the small amount of nutrition he was getting into the places it had to go for him to be able to overcome. He is in control and I'm not. I am so thankful for that.
The Bible says, "We hath not a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind. And the Holy Spirit is there always, to do the job, to make us ready." I know that on my own, I can't do this. Thankfully, I don't have to.